I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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