apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
