Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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