I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
