Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
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you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
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