Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
