Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
