saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?