Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.