my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???