Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I sprained my soul last night
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?