god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
