and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
