My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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