i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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