I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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