I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
