If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
