the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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