So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Randomize
