and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
