just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
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he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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