I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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