u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
