and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
