Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I lost the right to judge tonight
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
