so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
