he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
