omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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