dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
