I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Did I show you my penis last night?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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