worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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