I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.