She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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