Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present