apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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