If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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