Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
