I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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