If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
