I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
