From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
