I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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