He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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