Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
