I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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