you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
