you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
