I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
