you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
