it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
