...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
