After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize