i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
