Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
