no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.