My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm at about main and main street
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.