I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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