I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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