if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
