My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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