Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.