Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter