Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
