Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
